Growing Out My Bangs

Just Plain Wow

      I was going to post today about the dead guy in Puerto Rico who wanted to be stood upright in the corner for 3 days for his viewing.  I was going to make some remark about how guys still wanna get up and be stiff as long as possible even after they've kicked the bucket.

      But then I had my pre-interview with the reporter for my show yesterday.

      I can't even post in detail how amazing it was because it simply wouldn't do it justice and would take away some of the magic of that moment.  But I'll give you all the best I can.

      We met on the College of Marin campus just outside the fine arts buildings where my show will be opening in 2 and a half weeks.  The minute he walked up, I knew we were going to get along famously.  I hugged him hello, which just seemed appropriate, and off we went to grab a bench in the shade so we could talk.

      And talk we did.

      We discovered quite quickly that we had an amazing connection.  It was one of those moments where you think, "Hmmm..we must've traveled together before in another lifetime."  I would say something, and his face would drop and he'd say, "Oh my god.  I was just talking about that with someone."  Then he would tell me something about his spiritual beliefs during our discussion about how we can always manifest our dreams, and I would be open-mouthed at how in sync we were there as well.  I talked to him about my "Growing Out My Bangs" show and how my childhood trauma drove that production.  He, too, has his own "stuff" which he is so bravely conquering.

      We talked for an hour and a half about life, our dreams, and how comedy, acting and writing play such a role for those of us who come from trauma.  And before we knew it, he had to go.

      And we hadn't really even talked about my show details.

      But it didn't matter.  We are going to do a Q&A on the phone this afternoon where I will describe for him everything he'll need to present the show and me in the best possible light.  I'll give him the business details necessary for the piece that we didn't quite get to.  And I'm sure it will be an amazing article.

      And yet...

      Nothing will compare to the 90 minutes we spent yesterday just connecting.  And before you jump to any sexual conclusions about how that meeting went, let me assure you that it simply wasn't that way at all.

      But it was incredibly intimate.

      It wasn't just an interview.

      It was a beautiful, spiritual connection.

      And I feel as if I've known him all my life.

      He joked about being 15 years older than me, but truth be told...we were so on the same page...same plane...same path.

      In that short amount of time, I gained such respect for this soul who is striving to conquer his darkness by radiating a light I'm not even sure he's fully aware of. 

      I get that.

      And so together we will not only craft a fantastic story about my stand up show, but we will also honor this newfound friendship.

      The Universe has no coincidences. Chatting on that bench yesterday proved this magic all over again.

      Therein lies the real story of living one's dreams and the success that follows when you fully believe...

 

The Panic Has Passed

      Sometimes it just takes jumping in and doing something to realize you're going to be alright.

      Such was the case with me yesterday as I pulled into my brand new parking spot at my brand new school, got my brand new key, for my brand new room, and headed off to the library to start a meeting led by my brand new principal.

      From the moment he started talking, I knew this was going to be an incredible year for me.  He has just such a laid back vibe, while still holding us accountable for what we need to do.  I loved it.  Such a wonderfully different feel than I have had for the past few years.

      Sure, I was overwhelmed by all of the technology stuff, as they do everything on the computers at the middle school.  But that knowledge will come.  So once our official meetings were over, we were off to set up our classrooms.

      Luckily, I had my kidlets with me so I had them set up my desks and chairs and organize all the leftover materials from last year's class.  We now have the desks in a big U shape so there's a large stage area in the middle of the room where we'll improv, perform monologues and rehearse mini-skits.  The new music teacher also found tons of costumes and props in his classroom, which he happily unloaded on me so he could have more storage space.

      And I happily accepted all that he had to offer.

      I've got two whole wardrobe racks filled with costumes, several boxes of props ranging from big hatchets to steering wheels to old time clocks, and a slew of different hats.  My own kids were having a blast trying everything on, so I know my students are going to be in drama heaven.

      I put up a bulletin board that says "Live Your Dreams" where I've placed the poster from my "Growing Out My Bangs" show as well as the incredible article that was done on me for that show.  This isn't to just boast about myself at all.  It is simply to show them that anything is possible at any age.  Plus, I've left a ton of space so that throughout the year, they can post anything up there that they are in: recitals, plays, sporting events.  I've also posted the command "Risk Big" on my front white board.  I have a few black boxes that we'll use for staging and several household props that will easily convert our classroom into any set we want.

      I started school today anxious and stressed.

      I left there walking on air.

      To add to all this excitement, I got a call from the newspaper reporter who's doing the story on me, and we'll be meeting today for that incredibly helpful interview.  We already chat like old friends, so I have total faith that his take on my show and me will be beautifully crafted.  That article, plus the 100 or so flyers I handed out to colleagues and friends yesterday (and will continue to today), ought to sell out all 4 shows in no time.  (Ahem...are you listening Universe?)

      My girlfriend, Missy, commented yesterday that I would find the silver lining in all this as I set up my room and welcomed my first class.

      She is a very wise woman.

      I already feel that tingling sensation in my soul that I get when I know I am in alignment with Spirit and clearly taking positive strides in the right direction along my life's purposeful path.

      So now my deep breaths are those, not of anxiety, but just of breathing in all this beauty and magic into my heart, soul and spirit.

      The only thing Missy got wrong was the color of my lining because from what I'm feeling right now, all I see is gold.

     

And We're Off...

      Oh boy.

      Here we go.

      It's 6:00 in the morning, and I am about to hop in the shower to get ready for our first official day back to school.  Since Gav is working, the kids have to come with me.

      For Garrett, this isn't a problem.  He bounds out of bed with bluebirds chirping around his head and little squirrels singing and scampering about his feet.  Picture the male version of Cinderella.  Like..Cinderfella.

      Geary, on the other hand, is more like the bitchy evil stepsister.

      If you even try to awaken her before 11 AM, she will rip your head off with her little hands and spit down your neck.  (She's not quite bitchy enough for the real version of that visual.)

      She is simply not a morning person.

      So the minute she realizes that I'm actually getting her up for the day and she's not having some bad dream, hoo boy.  It's gonna get ugly.

      And yet I can't blame her.

      I've had an amazing summer, sleeping in and working on all my projects on my own timeframe.  I've had very few scheduled meetings, and the ones I have had have been amazing.  I've stayed up late to read or watch TV, and have milked every minute I could out of each day.  So heading back to this very scheduled routine that is completely controlled by someone else is going to take some getting used to.

      For many years, when we've had friends over or have just been discussing life, the question always comes up:  If you won the lottery, would you still work?

      And I've always said yes.

      Until now.

      Nope.  I sure wouldn't.

      I have so enjoyed these past two years of being able to be my own boss and work at my own pace, that if money were no object, I would continue to do just that.  I'd volunteer to work with kids.  I'd put up as many shows as I would like, whenever I'd like.  I'd travel like nobody's business and see parts of the world I've only dreamed of.

      I would live each day to the fullest.

      Is it possible to do that without the money to fund it? 

      Sure.

      But the stress that comes with having to have a job to make ends meet takes a bit of the sheen off that joy.

      And yet...

      I am so grateful for this drama position and all it is offering me.  I am excited to decorate my room and ready myself for the first real day of school next week.  I am looking forward to laughing with new friends in the staffroom and walking to the gourmet market across the street to get a yummy lunch several days a week.  And I am thrilled that Garrett's classroom will be in the same quad as mine.

      So even though this first day back is going to be a bit rough, I know I will soon get into the routine and adjust quite nicely.

      As for Fif?

      Wish me luck.  I'm off to wake her sweet ass up right now.

      You'll know when you hear the scream...

     

Stop the Spins

      No, I'm not talking about being drunk and wishing someone would stop spinning the floor underneath me.  Though that's not fun either.

      I'm talking about the panic attack I just had as I spun in circles mentally in relation to school starting up again, my show, Fif starting soccer practices at the exact same time as Garrett's football practices, the workload, the bills...

      Oh my.

      Deep breaths.

      I really had a horrible moment a few minutes ago.

      Part of it came because I was going over the schedule for all our staff meetings this week.  I haven't been to these in two years, and I'd forgotten how overwhelming they can seem.  We have something scheduled every day, and on some days, all day.  The fact that for whatever reason, Gav is working 4 or the 5 days this week so my kids will have to hang in my classroom while I attend meetings adds that much more pressure.

      I'm also a little nervous because, though I love my new colleagues, I am new to the school and need to figure out all how the bell schedule works, how the flow of my class will go, etc.

      On top of this, I am still madly trying to get my show finalized.  I didn't quite get to the props this weekend, so there's that.  Then, as I mentioned earlier, I have been blessed to be granted another story in our local paper, the Marin IJ.  It will either just be a Q&A or a full feature, depending on how much space they have.  Obviously, I'm hoping for the feature as I really need to sell some tickets.  Still, I am so grateful for any press I'll receive.

      I got an email from the writer yesterday asking when I'd be doing a preview or rehearsal so he could come down and interview me.

      Um...my rehearsals pretty much take place in the shower, my car, and when I'm blow-drying my hair.  He's welcome to join me in any of those places, but I don't think that's what he was hoping for.  Plus, there's all those school meetings this week.

      So, I emailed him a list of all my available times and am hoping they work for him as well.  Not sure where we'll meet, but I'll do part of my show at a Starbucks if that's what it takes to promote this baby.

      Geezus.

      More panic right then as I typed that.

      I feel stressed.

      I don't like feeling stress, folks.

      Honestly, I'm on the verge of tears right now.

      What the hell is that all about?

      A friend of mine has been posting a lot recently about the balance we must maintain in life.  I feel quite out of balance right now, like that poor USA gymnast who blew it on the balance beam in the hunt for the gold.

      I have all this internal shit going on in terms of my healing and growth, which is plenty to take on at one time.  Add this external pressure of trying to make it all work and bring in enough money to contribute to our family, and...

      ...damnit.

      I'm stressed.

      OK.  Deep breaths.

      I'm a can do gal.

      I can do this.

      Little by little. 

      Break it all down one day at a time.

      Work on the show at night after the kids go to bed.

      Know that the interview timing will work out.  It must.  I have to sell out this show.  It's that worthy of an audience.

      Trust that we will win the contest for our sketch comedy show and move ourselves that much closer to a network deal, and that all of that will work out with my school obligations as well.

      The bills will get paid.  They always do.

      Replace feeling nervous about teaching drama...a whole new subject for me...with the excitement that will come the minute my first class walks in.  I know these kids.  I love these kids.  We're going to create magic.

      Breathe.

      Breathe.

      Breathe.

     

     

So Long, Farewell

      Short and sweet today as Katy and I have to pack up and get the heck out of Dodge.  The picture above is of the observatory where I hung out for a few hours yesterday and worked before Katy arrived. 

      What a beautiful, peaceful spot.  The perfect place to chill before a full day and night of adventure.

      Once Katy got settled in, we headed to town for a bite to eat at this great Mexican restaurant. Calories be damned...I went for the full enchilada.  

      Literally.

      Sour cream, guac, the works.

      After that it was off to do a little shopping.  We found some great trinkets at a fair trade store, which meant we could feel good about the money we were spending.  

      Nice justification, eh?

      Home again to rest then back out for sushi before hitting a different cantina for the only nightlife this sleepy town has to offer.  Luckily, there was actually a decent crowd so we people-watched and shot pool over a few beers and tequila shots.

      Nothing too crazy...just a great night out with a fabulous friend.

      Once we got back to the B&B, we ended up chatting until 4 AM, the mark of the end of a perfect girlfriend evening.

      So now it's pack up, grab a coffee, and head home to the hubbies and kids.

      But just in case that reality becomes a little too real too quickly, I'll always have this breath-taking image to go to...

Great memories from St. Helenaaaaaaaaaahhhhh...

      

Introspection and Reflection

      So these past 24 hours have been so interesting. 

      And really, it goes further back than that.  But having the time alone has been instrumental in continuing the self-reflection I've been doing in therapy.

      One of the things that I uncovered when I was struggling with my marriage last year was that I felt like since I had gotten married so young, I never really had the time to date or explore relationships.  I'd been with Gav half my life...he was my first boyfriend...I was a baby when we met.

      I thought I was missing out on something.

      And what I'm realizing now through all my introspection and really getting at the root of my issues is that I was right.

      But the issue is not at all what I thought it was.

      Back then, I was thinking that I needed someone else (or many someone else's) to fill my needs.  Therefore, certainly I'd have to date around to "find myself," so I said we needed to split up so I could do just that.  Now I get that that's all bullshit.  I need to fill myself up in order to truly find myself.  I think I've established that several times here lately.

      And what's missing is the crucial time alone to find out who I am when I'm on my own.

      See, I went from living with my mom to living in a dorm room with 3 other girls to living with my best friend in San Diego to moving in with Gav at barely 21.

      I've never truly been on my own.

      Which is I'm sure why I cherish my alone time so much.

      And yet this very personal journey that I'm on is extremely lonely.  I've talked to Gav about that, though I do keep most of my session revelations to myself.  (I'm not one of those who feels like you need to tell your spouse everything that's going on for you, especially when these are my own unique issues.  And Gav does not push me there at all.)

      But I was talking to him about how isolated I feel at this particular point in my life because I am clearing out all the unhealthy pieces and relationships...in my quest for real intimacy, with myself and others...and that has left me somewhat alone.

      At times, it sucks.

      Then at other times, like in these past 24 hours, it is the most incredible feeling in the world.

      It's not that I don't want responsibility.  I have no problem with that.  I think I am struggling with just getting at the core of who I am and how I can do that within the confines of my obligations and relationships.

      Another piece of this is that I am not the same woman I was when I got married.  Nowhere close.  And I know that most of us change over the years as we begin to come into our true selves.  So how do we align that with our spouses...our jobs...our children?

      Honestly, I'm not sure.

      And at this point, I'm not worried about figuring it all out right now.

      This has been a problem for me in the past.  I'm a girl who likes closure.  I need things tied up in a neat little bow.  Where am I going to be in 10 years?  I need to know right now so I can start planning.

      But what I've learned so far with Dr. Fix-It is that everything has its time.  It will all be revealed to me as I continue to do my work.  I don't need to worry about it until it comes up.

      That doesn't really sit well with me, but I certainly understand it and even embrace it.

      I am changing.

      I know this.

      At times, it's the most beautiful thing in the world.

      And at other times, it's devastatingly crushing.

      I said as much in my session last week.

      And Dr. Fix-It said, "Yep.  What you're doing...this search into who you really are and the full exploration of the extent and effects of your trauma...is very difficult.  Most people will go their entire lives just making do because it's easier that actually facing and owning their shit.  Not knowing where you will end up once you face your full truth can be a very intimidating and scary thing.  And yes, it is a very lonely path at times."

      And I'm paying him for this!

      But I know he's right, and all I can do is continue to work on fully healing myself and seeing where that eventually leads me.

      Again, so far it's been a mixed bag...sometimes so incredibly freeing and other times beyond painful.

      But I guess that's why they call it "doing the work" and not "doing the fun."

     

It Has Begun!

      Well, my trip has officially begun.  

      I just woke up from my nap and laid out the bed picnic I knew I was going to have.

      Let me describe the lusciousness that you see above starting from the top left going clockwise:

     *  Marinated olives stuffed with almonds

     *  Gourmet popcorn

     *  Dark chocolate Toblerone candy bar

     *  Sour baguette

     *  Bottle of 2006 Syrah

     And now for the cheese plate insanity (again, top left, clockwise):

     *  Hand-churned cream cheese with artichoke hearts, garlic and lemon

     *  Triple cream brie

     *  Wensleydale with cranberries (no clue but that fucker is good!)

     *  Tallagio

     *  One of two roasted garlic bulbs

     OK.  The Tallagio cheese needs a special mention here.  This is the cheese I have been looking for since Christmas last year when we had it at our French friends' house.  

     The one I've dreamed of.

     The one I've pined away for on this very blog.

     Yeah.  That one.

     So as I was perusing the cheese section of the winery today, that was first and foremost on my mind.  When I finally found it, it was as if the cheese heavens had opened their gates and rained lactose showers down upon me.

     Interestingly enough, I thought this was a French cheese, when in fact it is Italian.

      Well let me tell you...

     If Giovanni were here, I'd spread this creamy, gooey delight all over his...

     I'm sorry.  Lost me there for a minute, but I'm back.

     Anyhow, so far this getaway is going exactly as I had hoped.  My wine is open and the cheeses beckon.

     I better go.  

     It's really hard to stuff my face and type at the same time.

      

Today's the Day

      In a few hours, I will be heading up to the breath-taking wine country town of St. Helena.  I can't check in until 3, so I will be taking my time and enjoying the beautiful scenery this drive provides.  Along the way, I am going to clear my mind of everything.  So often I find myself daydreaming or worrying about something or running through my show in my head that I miss all the beauty that's around me.

      Well, not today.

      I already know that once I check in, I'll probably take a nap before getting up to work on the props for my show.  I am also bringing my laptop so I can add more material to the show, as well as work on my book proposal.  I'm guessing most of this quiet writing time will take place in one of the parlors in front of a fireplace.

      So since I know I'll be setting aside special time for all of my work before Katy gets there on Friday, I am not going to clutter my mind with a thing on the drive up other than what's right before my eyes.  I will stop at V. Sattui, one of my favorite wineries, and grab a luscious wheel of cheese, a crispy, chewy loaf of bread, and a brilliant bottle of red wine.  Maybe even throw in a rich, dark chocolate bar for good measure. 

      Once I get to the hotel and settle in, and after I awaken from my nap, of course, I will spread out my bed picnic and proceed to indulge in some of my favorite treats.

      Then...and only then...will I get to work.  I'm not going to push myself on anything, however.  If I get a flood of inspiration, I'll take it and run.  But if my work just entails staring out the window and contemplating all that I am creating and seeing what thoughts pop into my head?  Well then, that's all the work I'll be doing.

      When I get tired of that, I will retire to the observatory and read the book I am currently engrossed in, Paulo Coelho's The Zahir.  This is a beautiful story of love and love lost, and I am certain I will continue to be caught up in its magic...hopeful romantic that I am.

      I'm not planning on going out to dinner tonight, as Katy and I have already decided that tomorrow evening we're going big.  We'll start with a fantastic dinner somewhere and then scout out a local bar for some good old-fashioned girlfriend bonding.  And of course, we'll make sure it's within walking distance of our B&B in case we bond over too many shots and beers!

      We can sleep in on Saturday, and then we'll each head our separate ways back to a different reality.

      Seems people always say, "Well, back to reality" after an amazing vacation.

      But for me, everything I do is the reality I create, hence my reference above to a different reality.

      Slipping away for a few days without my family and work reality is just as much a part of my Everything, Always as my coming home to them reality.

      Seems people are also always saying to me, "Wow!  You're lucky Gav lets you go away by yourself so often."

      Luck has nothing to do with it.  This is what I've created.  Wouldn't have it any other way.

      Couldn't have it any other way.

      And he has his time as well.  In December, he and several of the fireguys will be caravaning down to Southern California for the UCLA/USC game.  They got their tickets a few days ago, so it's a done deal.

      And so not anything I'd like to be a part of!

      Am I worried about a bunch of sexy fireguys going to a college football game with sassy little co-eds?

      Nope.

      I have no doubt Gav...who's totally hot (there ya go, Honey)...will get hit on.  And I have no problem with that.  We're married, after all, not dead.  And for two or so days, that will be his reality: drinking beer with his brothers, reliving his own football days in a testosterone-driven stupor, and having giggly college girls swoon over the "cute firefighters from Northern California."

      Then he'll come back to his home and work reality, just like I will be doing this Saturday.

      But for now...I'm just enjoying the adventure of heading off for a few days of a peaceful, crazy, delicious, beautiful, girlfriend-bonding, dream-creating reality...

      ...all to myself.

     

     

     

Lip Service for Lip Syncing

      I know this story broke yesterday, and lots of people have made comments about it, I'm sure.  But I couldn't just let this one go.

      Apparently, the Chinese government had the cute girl on the left lip-sync to the voice of the "not cute enough" girl on the right for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.

      I'm sorry, but what the hell is that all about?!  Are they kidding me?!  The girl on the right had the best voice but wasn't quite pretty enough to have the honor of singing it live.

      Oh, that's not going to screw her up for life in the self-esteem arena or anything.

      And what message are they sending to the cute girl?  "Well, you're pretty, so you can take all the credit for an uglier girl's talent."  I thought America had the corner on that fucked up market.

      As it is, I'm not so hot on the Chinese government anyhow.  And yes, it's because of the whole Tibet insanity.  But I'm not just jumping on a trendy bandwagon or anything.  I was aware of what was going on, but then Gav brought home a documentary called "Cry of the Snow Lion,"  and I learned so much more about what's happening over there.  It is pretty damn atrocious.

      So for the Chinese government to feel the world needed a glossy, perfect representation of all they want China to appear to be by having one child lip-sync for another?  Well, like an overcooked plate of chow mein...that's hard for me to swallow.

      Apparently, a member of China's Politburo asked the ceremony's chief music director, Chen Qigang, for the last minute change.  Chen complied and justified his actions with the following statement:

      "The national interest requires that the girl should have good looks and a good grasp of the song and look good on screen.  Lin Miaoke was the best in this.  And Yang Peiyi's voice was the most outstanding."

      The national interest requires this?!  Oh.  Yeah.  OK.

      For her part, the little girl whose voice was used, Yang Peiyi, responded to the controversy by saying that just having her voice used for the ceremony was an honor.

      Such a good little obedient girl.

      I'm sure she knows that she was lucky to have not been killed at birth because of those two pesky X chromosomes she carries.  Probably figured she'd better keep her mouth shut in case the Chinese government decided to impose late, late abortions of girls now, too.

(Yes, that's a real child...)

My (Ink) House Away from Home

      Oh my.

      I had no idea what I was getting into when I made the reservations for my wine country getaway this week. 

      I had asked Katy if she wanted to join me for a day before school started.  I was going to take a day to myself to just "be," but wanted to also have a fun girls' trip as well.  So, when she got the OK from her hubby, I set about making the reservations.

      Or tried to, anyhow.

      Apparently, lots of people enjoy coming to wine country this time of year as I couldn't find ANYWHERE with a vacancy!

      Wait. 

      That's not true.

      I found several places with available rooms...for the low, low price of $495 and up a night!

      Seriously, even when I have that kind of cash someday soon, I'll still think twice about paying that much for a frigging room. 

      It took me several hours of searching the internet for an available room for two nights that was also somewhat affordable, but I finally found it, as mentioned in this post.  So I made reservations for The Ink House, and that was that.

      Well, since I'll be heading up there in 2 days, I figured I'd better Mapquest the directions.  So I went back to their website to get the address.  Once I got on there, I realized I really hadn't checked out all that this incredible place has to offer.

      I simply cannot do it justice here.  You must read about it and visualize it for yourself here.

      Could ya die?!

      How amazing does that observatory room sound?!  And the parlors...just the fact that they call them parlors!  Fireplaces, local wineries, gourmet breakfasts...all of it!  What an incredible, beautiful way to be pampered.

      I simply cannot wait.

      To have a mini-vacation where I get an entire day and night to myself and then another entire day and night with a girlfriend is simply heaven.

      'Course, when Katy gets there we're gonna raise some serious hell. 

      But for us, that's always heaven as well...